A New Year's Message.

Ever get the feeling that you're getting old before your time? I do quite regularly now. When I look in the mirror I see a greying, fattening, tired man that, more often than not, wears dull jumpers. It's only a matter of time before my body gives up on working properly, dementia sets in and I struggle through the rest of my days and silently wishing I had left some offspring on the planet to avenge my horrible, lonely death.

As I type these here words, there are roughly ten minutes until us in Great Britain embark on the year 2012, and those of you who get all your news from the big screen will know it is the year in which we will all die. It's worth saying right now that these people are idiots. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong either, because at least then no one would be able to laugh in my face about it. It's a win win situation.

Anyway, while many of you are out partying now, I'm having a much better time than you with a can of Coke and a bag of M&M's. In a few minutes I'm probably going to pick up my Playstation controller and carry on the night. I'm not even ashamed that I'm doing this at the age of 21.

Truth be told, I've fallen out of love with New Year's Eve. This is predominantly because I live in the cultural anus of Great Britain. New year in my town consists of a few fireworks and some local radio DJs playing the usual brigade of cheesy smelling 'party classics' for the revellers. Stray away from the main event and the pubs are 4000% busier, thus making it near impossible to get a drink to help numb the pain that this has been like your standard lacklustre night out is overdosing on cheap home-made drugs and throwing up over everyone and everything.

In 2010 I stayed sober and taxied some friends in to town to see in the new year. While they may have thought that I was doing them a tremendous service and taking one for the team by not drinking, I couldn't help but snigger to myself when I drove home at 00.30, having been itching to go since about an hour previous. While being able to usher in a new year with friends in the middle of a town is a nice thought, the romance of the occasion wears off a little when you go to give your best wishes to someone they know and they respond with 'I've just thrown up...but I'm not drunk'.

As you can tell, it's probably for the best that I'm sat at home rather than facing the general public. At least this way I can get 2012 off to a good start. My first thoughts don't have to be 'Good god, this is terrible. How long before it's socially acceptable to go home?'. I can actually choose what the first songs I hear in 2012 are going to be. No more of this 'party' shit, I'm going to welcome in the new year with some music that I actually enjoy. The beginnings of January 1 are far better when they're entirely on your own terms.

While my sheer hatred for celebrating new year is unrelenting. It is worth pointing out that my feelings towards the year we've had are nowhere near similar. It's actually been quite good for me, and I hope that it was for you as well. I also hope that the next one is just as enjoyable for you all. And for those of you idiots who believe this is our last on earth, I really hope you don't do anything too illegal while thinking there will be no repercussions. Films aren't real.

Happy new year, everyone.