I Wasn't A Teenage Girl In The Early 90s.

The modern age has made things so simple hasn't it? Things that used to be so long-winded and complicated, can now be achieved in a matter of seconds. For instance, if I had wanted to publish this 30 years ago, people would have laughed, they would say 'What is this? There's no place for this in the media, you little ballsack.' Today, I've managed to write and publish this for people to read without any sort of permission from a burly, moustached newspaper editor.

There's also buying tickets, how easy is that nowadays? You just look at a list of events on a web page, decide which one you want to go to, click, enter then amount of tickets, enter your card details and you're done. How can anyone involved in that process mess it up?

The answer is quite easily, if you've been involved in buying tickets for Glastonbury or Take That's latest tour you'll have realised that actually, buying tickets for gigs is nothing but a giant ball-ache, unless you enjoy sitting at a computer for four hours at a time pressing nothing but the refresh button. It might be what I do on Facebook on most days, but if there's something like a ticket to see Take That at stake, the intensity is nothing but overwhelming.

I should point out now that I didn't actually want to buy any tickets. I'm not ranting because I missed out on going. They announced new shows, so it's all fine. I actually couldn't care less about them, I wasn't a teenage girl in the early 90s, so I'll never cherish them. However, sitting at a computer for 4 hours trying to get tickets and seeing them appear on eBay straight away isn't really on. The system is clearly flawed, so I've thought of some alternatives to the current ticket buying/selling system.

1) Massive Treasure Hunt

Recreate the atmosphere of a small child's birthday party by hiding all the one million tickets in random places the length and breadth of the country. Of course, there will always be one person who really wants just one ticket, but is just a little bit too simple to find it, even with gentle hints from loved ones, but that's just natural selection. There are some flaws as well, like when the residents of Langtree notice someone in an SJM concerts shirt posting random pieces of paper into bushes as they walk down the street. We don't want it to be too taxing though, do we?

2) The Interview

This one basically speaks for itself. Simply send a CV and covering letter saying why you deserve to see your band to the given address. If you appear to be worthy of a ticket, you will be called for an interview to see if you are suitable for the concert. For example, If I want to go and see The Cribs at Bristol Academy, then I send off my application form that says 'My name is Matt, and I should go and see The Cribs because I have all their albums and know all the words to their songs and stuff.' Then I'll get summoned to an interview in Cardiff which I'll turn up to wearing one of my favourite Cribs T-Shirts only to be rejected by the panel because I wasn't confident under questioning. Bastards.

3) Anarchy

This one is basic. Simply place all the tickets available for the show inside the venue. Organise a time and date when people can claim them. Whoever manages to get a ticket from the pile and get out alive earns the right to go to the gig. Of course, security would have to be tight, but if anyone gets a little too greedy and makes away with 40 tickets, there would obviously be a sniper posted strategically to take that selfish creature out. Anyone who gets a ticket will have to go back through the box office and pay though, no matter how many broken ribs they suffer in the process.

Of course, there are other, less extreme alternatives, like simply putting different shows on sale on different days; or simply making sure that if there are a million tickets, you have the capacity to deal with one and a half million customers. But what fun would that be? I'd much rather go looking for a Take That ticket on a cold Friday morning at the top of Pendle Hill.