Internet Premium: Invite Only, £50 A Month, But Minimal Shit Guaranteed.

Do you ever just sit at your computer and just think 'why'? I definitely have, I think it was at the point during the early hours of a Sunday morning a few weeks ago, when I found myself looking through uses of the Wilhelm Scream in various films, while watching a video of a tiny monkey riding backwards on a pig.

I think the underlying problem with the internet is that too many people are allowed to use it. Sure, the video of the baby monkey riding backwards on the pig was funny, but when you see twelve variations on the same theme the whole thing becomes a bit tedious. It's one thing being able to use the internet to find an answer to a problem, but not 42 billion answers to it. How are you supposed to know what's right?

The best solution for everyone would be to make the internet a little bit like Spotify, i.e. to get the full benefits, you have to be invited and/or pay a subscription fee. Obviously people already have to pay to use the internet, so we would need to hike up the price a little. Something like £50 a month would probably do the trick. It might sound expensive, but it would be worth it.

It would be worth it because when logging on to Facebook, we wouldn't see overly melodramatic or way too personal status updates such as 'OMG. I js gt sum durt on ma Shoo. FML :(' or something from Jane, who lives two doors down saying 'I was making Breakfast earlier, and at some point when I was buttering my toast, I think the menopause kicked in. LOL'. No, instead you could just see holiday photos of those gorgeous people you really fancy but don't actually know. After all, people are only on Facebook to stalk other people.

And Twitter would no longer be awash with trending topics that make you question the sanity of the human race such as 'Thingsyoudon'tsayaftersex' or 'dancewank' or Rebecca Black. No, instead we can just carry on pretending we're all intellects with lots of interesting and witty things to say without degrading ourselves by taking song titles with the word 'dance' in and replacing it with the word 'wank' for fun.

It would also be easier to find get yourself a decent username. How many times have you wanted something simple to remember when signing up for something- something like 'thewatchtrick' for example - and been told that it's taken, but why not try 'thewatchtrickyeahcool' or 'the8watch49trick2011boom!'. It's utterly infuriating. I wanted to have some consistency between this blog and my twitter. Unfortunately, my desired URL was taken. Out of a mixture of curiosity and pain-inducing boredom, I typed in the URL I wanted to see what form of high brow entertainment stood in my way. The result was this:

TUESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2005

planning cocktail night...

yesterday was a reall good day, i went to stu's and we played snakes and ladders before going out for tea at franky n benny's then watching charlie n the chocolate factory and "cineworld" as its now called! lol, and just to say that johnny depp is bloody freaky n that film! scared me a little.. anyways, when we got back we randomly decided to go for a walk round keyingham.. ended up at the park (if u can call it that.. more like a sing n a climbing frame) but anyways it was really nice.. just talked in the dark whist swinging for about half an hour had a little kiss on the tunnel thing. it was just a really nice little walk. and during swinging we planned out "cocktail night" (tomorrow) im gonna stay at stu's as he'll be too drunk to drive me home lol, im gna make him loadsa cocktails n we'll play games and watch video's... gona be a lot of fun! but ill let u know how it goes later..

results day on thursday.. i can honestly say i dnt really care about my grades much becasue they dont actually matter, ofcourse i wanna know what i got a bit but its not gna break my heart if i fail em all! lol but lets just wait n see ay? ill be getting the bus from stus with a hangover which should be fun.. then ice skating after results for a laugh.. havnt skated in years so itll be fun!

been spending a lot f time with stu lately, nicknamed him willy wilson lol, which he's not too overly impressed with..... we tend to watch a differnt film every night and its anyways nice to relax.. he actually fell esleep on me the other night during the killbillathon lol, it was nice, he finally shut up hehe lol

been paiting the ceiling of the utility room today, which is always fun, my arms ache and it looks like ive got dandruff from the paint sprays lol but o well.

by for now 

At first, the only thing I could think about was how angry I was that my own hopes and dreams had been shattered six years ago, before I even had the idea, in some Doctor Who style twist of fate, by the trials and tribulations of Jen and her completely see-through tactics of getting Stu drunk and having desperate, pale sex with him.

Then my anger subsided though, and I wondered what Jen might be doing now. Still working in an 'old man pub'? Still marvelling at how 'swarve' Stu is when he's got straightened hair and pink toenails? Or did Stu just dump her a few days later, and for the last six years she's been crying into pillows, listening to Stu's beloved Radiohead and weighing up the pros and cons of suicide. On this note, it's fair to say the anger came back.

That blog is imprinted on humanity for the rest of it's existence now. Lurking quietly, a fad that is now festering  not unlike six year old milk. If aliens ever land on Earth, let's all pray that they don't find that and assume we're all complete morons.

So, why not just destroy everything and start again? We can rebuild Wikipedia and IMDB. At the very least we can just copy and paste everything into a rather large Word document and deal with it later. Then we can have Internet Premium: Invite only, £50 a month, but minimal shit guaranteed.
(Sorry, Jen. I'm sure you're lovely, please write your ramblings somewhere less public next time, though. I really wanted that URL)